Greetings from the community of jerks
Monday night, grocery store. I know the cashier, we used to hang out, years ago. Despite some serious unpleasantness between a good friend and him, I persist in being polite when I see him. Because, hello, he is the cashier in my grocery store, and what else am I going to do?
Monday is going well, so far, though I've only had 3 hours of sleep. The 89 papers are finished, the plagiarists caught (9/89), and the marked essays are in the hands of the prof. The paycheque is burning a hole in my pocket, so my dashing companion and I are out to buy some fixings for chili, some red wine and some Glenlivit (cuz everything is better with a little Cousin Glen, as we call it in my family). We pick up Batman Begins and a disk of the L Word. Last stop is the grocery store.
"Buddy" is the one who ends up running our purchases through. We make a little small talk, nothing unusual, as the transaction goes through. While I am waiting for my card to scan, he looks up at me and says "So, how is everything in the community of jerks?". Excuse me? I say, because it sounds perilously like he just called me a jerk in front of a line up of twenty strangers.
"Oh, you know, academia. The community of jerks." What exactly are you saying here? "Oh, you know, not Everyone is a jerk. Just, you know, most of academia. Enough that I can make a solid generalization about it".
(At this point, the enraged social scientist in me wants to rake him over a bed of hot coals for acting as though he has just provided evidence of a social fact. The enraged non-social scientist in me just wants to rake him over a bed of hot coals for fun). Note also, that he did not say that *I* wasn't a jerk, just that "not everyone" is a jerk.
It should be noted that I am down with valid critiques of academia, it has its failings and oppressions, just as every sphere in our society does. But it's also a site of resistance, and full of interesting, critical people. See my (growing) list of linked blogs for evidence of the wicked smart people doing cool things in academia. It just really frosts me when people launch passive aggressive attacks on what I do, using comments like this.
We finish up and leave, with me muttering threats under my breath to kick him through the store's plate glass window the next time he publically demeans me when I am trying to buy food for my household (once we have cleared earshot, I'm not quite that Kung Fu in real life, most of the time, but he is testing my impulse control to a high degree).
Of course, since I know his history and what circles he runs in, I know that his "community of jerks" comment is some rich, rich irony coming from him. Nonetheless, it really makes me not want to go there when he is working.
Monday is going well, so far, though I've only had 3 hours of sleep. The 89 papers are finished, the plagiarists caught (9/89), and the marked essays are in the hands of the prof. The paycheque is burning a hole in my pocket, so my dashing companion and I are out to buy some fixings for chili, some red wine and some Glenlivit (cuz everything is better with a little Cousin Glen, as we call it in my family). We pick up Batman Begins and a disk of the L Word. Last stop is the grocery store.
"Buddy" is the one who ends up running our purchases through. We make a little small talk, nothing unusual, as the transaction goes through. While I am waiting for my card to scan, he looks up at me and says "So, how is everything in the community of jerks?". Excuse me? I say, because it sounds perilously like he just called me a jerk in front of a line up of twenty strangers.
"Oh, you know, academia. The community of jerks." What exactly are you saying here? "Oh, you know, not Everyone is a jerk. Just, you know, most of academia. Enough that I can make a solid generalization about it".
(At this point, the enraged social scientist in me wants to rake him over a bed of hot coals for acting as though he has just provided evidence of a social fact. The enraged non-social scientist in me just wants to rake him over a bed of hot coals for fun). Note also, that he did not say that *I* wasn't a jerk, just that "not everyone" is a jerk.
It should be noted that I am down with valid critiques of academia, it has its failings and oppressions, just as every sphere in our society does. But it's also a site of resistance, and full of interesting, critical people. See my (growing) list of linked blogs for evidence of the wicked smart people doing cool things in academia. It just really frosts me when people launch passive aggressive attacks on what I do, using comments like this.
We finish up and leave, with me muttering threats under my breath to kick him through the store's plate glass window the next time he publically demeans me when I am trying to buy food for my household (once we have cleared earshot, I'm not quite that Kung Fu in real life, most of the time, but he is testing my impulse control to a high degree).
Of course, since I know his history and what circles he runs in, I know that his "community of jerks" comment is some rich, rich irony coming from him. Nonetheless, it really makes me not want to go there when he is working.
posted by grad student hack at 1:27 PM
4 Comments:
Ohhh, how I hate that crap. Man.
Of course, if you were to turn around and critique him on the basis of *his* line of work, he'd take it as confirmation of your jerkitude--and would probably never see the irony.
Asshat.
Yeah. Asshat central. And you're right Ancrene, he probably would. It's really a minor thing in the grand scheme of things, but it bugged me nonetheless. I'm trying to learn the skill of letting these things go and I think I'm there on this one. I'm going to practice turning this sort of passive aggressiveness around by asking questions such as "why would you say that?". Persistent questions that don't let the speaker off the hook, but instead make them uncomfortable for saying what they did. It usually works better than trying to burn them back, cuz that's what they expect. Questions knock them off kilter.
You know, I've actually started with those pointed questions. Hard to do -but so worth it. One girl at school will say horrid mean things *kabam* out of the blue. So I finally just turned and said "wow, that is a really odd thing to say to me based on what I just said. What exactly did you mean by that?"
And then held my ground as she hoped I'd let her off the hook with a giggle.
But I feckin hate confrontation.
Next plan, kick her in the shins and run away.
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